Sample business messages- Strengths and weaknesses

Subject: Get Ready!
We are hoping to be back at work soon, with everything running smoothly, same production schedule and no late projects or missed deadlines. So you need to clean out your desk, put your stuff in boxes, and clean off the walls. You can put the items you had up on your walls in boxes, also.
We have provided boxes. The move will happen this weekend. We’ll be in our new offices when you arrive on Monday.
We will not be responsible for personal belongings during the move.
David Burke


Weaknesses:
The email, in my opinion seems to have some minor grammatical things I would have probably written differently. I also feel like the subject or the heading of the email could have had a more formal title in reference to the event. The title seems to casual and doesn't yell importance. It just sounds like its saying get ready, like I am going to the corner store or something. I can see that the email is referring to employees moving to a new location, but it should have pointed that out in the beginning of the email and mentioned the process of packing up afterward. Mainly the problem is that everything in the email is scattered around, when these points should be in a certain order.

Strengths:
It is letting the audience know the event that is going to occur.

The message should have been written more like this:

Subject: Regarding relocation to new office

I would just like to let everyone know that the relocation to our new offices will be taking place over the weekend. You will begin work in your new offices when you arrive on Monday. Please remember to clean out your desks and remove any belongings off of the walls. Please put all of your belongings in the boxes which will be provided to you. We will NOT be responsible for any personal belongings during the move. We are hoping to get back to work with everything running smoothly. We will continue to go by the same production schedule with no late projects or missed deadlines.

Thank You,
David Burke